Story: Waiting for the Wedding

Waiting for the Wedding

I am so in love with Tim I often find it hard to control my enthusiasm, wanting to hug and kiss him with lots of people around, which he hates. He has flaming red hair (natural, of course) that often causes people to pause, stop talking, and watch him. I’m not jealous because in the end I know he’s mine. We’ve sworn to stay together, well he wouldn’t agree with “forever” so he said how about the next three months, with the option to renew.

That is really sad, Tim. I can’t see us apart.

Steve, you know how it is…

No, I don’t (as I put on my cute little pout).

Come on, Steve.

He takes my hand and pulls me to the couch, a frequent rendezvous, but now I am really not in the mood, so I tell him.

Maybe just to talk?

I have dinner all ready and I don’t want the soup to get cold.

So I pull him into the kitchen, where he is absolutely useless, except to look at his handsome face when I’m cooking, which also isn’t popular with him so he tells me he’s going to get the mail…

But before I can tell him I already got it…

You can be SO RUDE, Tim, I yell after him. Sometimes he comes back with a bottle of wine so we can make up, my favorite part!

At dinner I talk about going shopping tomorrow and would he like to go?

He said he has errands but will do it on the way back.  I need a new pair of shoes, another pair of slacks, maybe a new belt…

But the next day I feel so rotten, I don’t even WANT to go shopping, and Tim is disappointed. I give him a hug and tell him “maybe next time.”

I know, how about I go shopping for you? I know all your sizes and favorite colors. You said it was okay to use your Nordstrom card because you called and checked.

Really? You’ll go shopping for me? That’s a new one because I know for a fact you HATE to shop.

Yes, but I’ll do it for you…this one time. Whatever you don’t like we can return for something else later.

Oh, Tim, you are such a doll! Yes, please. I would love for you to do the shopping. Do you need me to write a list?

No, you told me at dinner: shoes, pants, shirt.

If I feel better I’ll call out for pizza when you get back.

Sounds like a deal. See you!

There are times when I feel grand and other days, like today. But having Tim shopping for me and picking out my clothes should make me feel way better.

A little background. Tim and I met at a fundraiser for the homeless. I know, it’s not usually the kind of thing I’m interested in, but I was invited by a friend. Tim is adamant about going  to these things, when I’d just as soon sit in front of the TV for Turner Classic Movies. I absolutely fall out of my chair when the 1930 flicks feature Joan Crawford, Rita Hayworth and all their friends. All so catty! I want to be like that when I’m with friends.

Anyway, it wasn’t love at first sight for him. But for me, I almost leapt across the room. I asked him if he wanted a drink and he said he was speaking that night and wanted to be 100 percent sober. He’s such a good boy! Maybe after? He smiles and asks me to check with him after. I am bubbling. This man, maybe 45? Has a little tummy (but who doesn’t? I’ve been on a diet since I was in middle school, but he has blue eyes and the most beautiful full head of red hair I have ever seen. The curls need to go, though. I have just the beautician to take care of that!

After the evening I watch Tim get up from the table with his friends (my, they are HANDSOME!) and walk to the door, saying goodbye to guests, who call out “good speech, Tim!” I make my way to the front and talk with Tim.

We had both put one another’s phone number on our mobiles, so I could give him a call tomorrow. Ooops. I forgot the big question, “are you gay” but that was so incredibly obvious (and he DID have only men at his table). Three days later, he calls on my cell and I almost fall off the couch!

I enjoyed meeting you last night. How about coffee, you and I. ? See you there at 8 tomorrow morning before we go to work?

The next day he walks into the café looking almost angelic and sits across from me.

Two mochas (that’s all right, isn’t it? I love mochas) and he agrees. We’re off in a corner where hopefully no one will hear us talk. When our coffees come, and I ask the server to bring the check, she looks over at Tim’s mocha (she must love them, too!) and then back at me. Okay… Do you want tops for the coffees?

We both agree. I pay the tab and smile at Tim because everyone is looking at us! I know why – Tim is so gorgeous and they think, how did Steve land that handsome buck? I turn and smile, loving their envy.

Tim and I really hit if off at coffee. At least I think we did. He says he’ll call me, maybe dinner and a movie? I’m waiting for his call, afraid to call him because I don’t want him to think I’m too pushy.

I’m at work (I’m a fashion designer for a popular clothing line, I’ll have you know.) and I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, and I quickly pull it out. It’s Tim, so I tell my boss that I have to take the call and I’ll be just a minute.

After we set a date for dinner and I go back into the meeting, everyone’s staring at me because I’m smiling so much, and I find myself blushing.

Okay, Tim, what’s his name, said Adele, and everyone laughs.

I told them about Tim and meeting him at a very important event and he is absolutely gorgeous! I have to tell the ladies to stop jabbering and I promised to tell them everything later. When I give the girls the whole story they were astounded!

You are so lucky, Steve.

I’ve never talked about dating anyone before.

Well, this is just a get to know one another kind of thing.

They tell me to calm down when I see him so I don’t scare him away!   

For Tim to like me enough to see one another twice in one week means he is also interested. So one thing led to the other and Tim moved in with me. I told him he’s going to have to put all of his furniture in storage because I have plenty for both of us. He cringes but agrees.

Everyone at work wants to meet this guy, but Tim is always so busy with his “help the homeless” campaign. I tell him, I wish I were homeless and you’d personally come “help” me, which makes him laugh. He tells the people at work and they smile and shake their heads. I hope I don’t let them down at the next company party.

They humor him because he is their boss, I’m sure. He started the help the homeless campaign three years ago from his home, and with Tumbler and Facebook the word got out and people were sending Tim checks for around $100. He even got a check for $1,000. That’s when he decided to branch out, started hiring, renting space, booking events where he could tell his story.

When we go out everyone looks at Tim – how could they not? I mean the guy is so handsome. They don’t see his tummy, like I have, so they don’t know he’s got his flaws. I talk louder so more people can admire Tim, but he says shush so I whisper. He puts his arm over my shoulders and pulls me to him for a kiss. In front of everyone! He has no shame, I tell him, which makes us both laugh.

I know he’s in love with me, just as much as I am with him, even more, some people would say, but how can anyone measure love? What’s too much and what’s too little, and Tim reminds  me there is no way to measure.

Well, whatever my measurement is I double it, because I do love you with all my heart.

This gets people’s heads turning. I shouldn’t talk so loud, I know, but I’m too proud of my “catch” so I call back to them, “and he lives with me, too!” Some people laugh, others shake their heads (“catch” right, I hear someone say. )

Tim doesn’t want me to be so over the top, but I explain to him that I can’t help it. I do I do I do! And he laughs and pulls me to the floor! What a rascal! I hope the neighbors don’t hear us, like we hear them, which makes me sick listening to their voices talking about what they’re doing, so sometimes I bang on the wall and tell them to be quiet, and then I hear laughter through the wall, and they stop being so noisy for a little time, anyway.

I’m shocked that Tim can sleep through all the noise, something I cannot do. But getting him up in the morning? Where’s that whip, I joke, and he jumps out of bed and runs into the bathroom to take a quick shower. I make him breakfast and he’s off to another meeting. He said he can’t introduce me at work because boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses are not welcome. He made that rule, so I told him he should change it. But it works, he argues, and his staff isn’t as distracted.

I’ve called his office a few times and ask Tim when I can expect him for dinner, but an hour later than his scheduled arrival, I decide to go to his business and find out what happened to him. I know it sounds like too much, but really I worry about him so much. He doesn’t appreciate this at all, and tells me nothing can happen to him because he is immortal, and we both chuckle over that same joke every time.

I’m about halfway to Tim’s office (you can walk there from our apartment very easily.) I see him in a coffee shop, talking to another man! What? He can’t do that. We promised to be faithful, so I quickly open the door and yell at him, what is the meaning of this? (I love that line. So dramatic.) and everyone in the café turns to see me storm over to Tim’s table. He looks up surprised, but I know he heard me come in, and now he has to tell his story.

This is Jorge, Steve. Jorge, this is my roommate.

But we’re so much more, I want to say, and that’s why I’m mad, and I tell him he has to tell me his little story when he gets home. I put my hands on my hips and told him to come home promptly. I have dinner ready, and then I rush back out the door. Everyone’s watching me and no wonder. They probably wonder how I can be mad at such a lovely specimen.  He hates it when I call him specimen because it reminds him of a failed Science Fair project in eighth grade.

He does come home quickly, as he must have left as soon as I had my little fit. I’m the first one to apologize to him about my public outburst and he just smiles and pulls me close for a hug. Making up is the best part. I told you that already, but just in case you forgot…!

The guy was possibly a big donor and could make a generous contribution to our cause, Tim explained.

But I tell him the guy was in jeans and a tee shirt under his jacket.

He likes to keep everything low key because he is known by so many people.

I accept that and take his hand and lead him to the dinner table before he stops me for a prolonged kiss. It’s hard to breathe, I laugh, and he kisses me again. The little devil!

One evening when we were home, can’t remember if we were watching a movie or tv show or what, the building manager came to the door.

Your neighbors were worried about you, he said, and asked me to find out why you were yelling so much. I explain that I’m having fun with my boyfriend, or we’re having a row. The manager peeks into the apartment and asks me where my boyfriend is, and I tell him he’s in the loo so I’ll introduce them another time. He smiles and asks me to keep it down, and I close the door.

The neighbors complaining about me! I should be the one complaining! Tim just tells me to let it go and don’t yell so much.

A couple of days later my mother (oh, God, not my mother) wants to know what I’ve been doing with my life. We haven’t been in touch in months, which is my fault because mom is always so nosey).

She stops me and says, Steven, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend. I have been praying for years for you to find the right person.  So I tell her the story about Tim.

I’m impressed, she says, and asks me to bring him by the house. Later Tim says that he doesn’t want to meet my parents. It’s too early, he says, because one meets the other’s parents when they are almost engaged. That’s also the reason I haven’t gone to his house.

That Saturday my sister comes by to “see how you’re doing” but she really wants to meet Steven.

He’s not feeling well, I tell her, so he is in bed. She comes in the apartment, despite my trying to hold her back. She’s always been so pushy!

She comments that Tim is sure neat, just like I am.

You both have your sock drawers all in order, and your clothes for the week sorted by day, and always wash the dishes?

Something like that. But she really should be going, I tell her, and try to lead her out the door.

Well, then let me just peek in the room and see what he looks like. Mom says you are raving about this guy and she says it’s too good to be true. She opens the door and looks in.

Oh, she says, and looks at me.

He’s got the covers pulled up because he’s cold, I expect, and I pull the door shut.

Are you okay, Steve?

I have never felt better.

Uh huh, she replies and says she is fine when I ask her, but I don’t talk to her about her kids or husband because I want her to leave.

It was good to see you, sis. Thanks for coming by. Tell mom that Steve and Tim say hello, but she stays in the middle of the living room even though I’m gently trying to nudge her out the door.

You know, I’m going to stay for a while and make you a delicious soup from all the healthy veggies you always have and then she goes right into the kitchen! Uninvited.

No, you can’t stay here, the noise will wake Tim and he really needs to rest.

I’ll be really quiet and only whisper, I promise. And he might need to use the bathroom across the room.

I’m sure he’ll be fine. Don’t you have another bathroom next to your bedroom? I nod yes, and can’t think of another excuse why she can’t stay.

I know her. If she meets him she will get so gaga and tell me I have to share, which will make all three of us laugh, which will make her want him even more. I don’t remind her, because she knows about me and my “tastes.” She will be swooning (another good movie line) over MY boyfriend and I’ll get so jealous that I’ll yell at her to get her filthy mitts of him, but she’ll keep holding his hand knowing it will rile me. I think that’s her role in life, to make me mad. She thinks she has won.

No, I tell her, I don’t want you here now. I’m not feeling well, either, and you might get sick, and I know you wouldn’t want to get sick because then your whole family will get sick, and you’ll have to stay home with the kids because they can’t go to school, which will drive you crazy, and you know how much being sick is the last thing Mr. Wonderful will want (her husband is not wonderful  but I always call him that) He’s such a health nut I tell her.

Okay, no soup tonight. Call me when it’s a better time, sis says, and I nod my head and say that is the most sensible decision, considering, and bye bye.

I’m  not going to kiss you because you might be sick, too, and she doesn’t want any germs going home with her.

Finally she’s gone. Jeez, she’s always so pushy.

Who was that, Tim asks, and I tell him and that she wanted to stay and make us soup, as if I can’t do that myself, really, and he says he would have liked to meet my sister and I say, no you wouldn’t because she is a total bitch  and doesn’t have a kind word for anyone, so they all hate her and when you meet her you would hate her, too, and I hate her so that’s enough for both of us, don’t you think.

Well, soup sounds good, really. I think I’m feeling much better. So I put him back to bed with his book and go in to make some soup.

The next day my mother insists I go see Dr. Troy, a friend of hers, and she would meet me there, and it would be nice to see you, Stevie.we’ll go to lunch for a pleasant afternoon together, maybe we could go to the zoo. Mom, I liked it when I as a kid, but I’m 50 years old, for God sakes.

See you tomorrow, about 11?

Before I can disagree she puts the phone down. I’ll call in sick to work  and tell them I will work from home. This way I can meet my mom.

Oh, Steve, we got the message you wouldn’t be coming in. Are you all right? Is there anything we can do? 

The person was his mother, the receptionist said.

 MY MOTHER! I yell and slam down the phone. Why is she calling my work and telling them why I AM SICK and won’t be in. Can’t she just leave me alone and let me live my life? 

I tell Dr. Troy why my mother isn’t here and he says she’s busy and will be here as soon as she can.

She’s lying. She just doesn’t want to see me. So I tell Dr. Troy about Tim and he says that it would be important to meet Tim.

Well, we just want to make sure you are doing the right thing, and that your boyfriend is treating you well. Tim doesn’t like the doctors and he said he gets violently ill when he goes into a doctor’s office because of the weird smells, and you don’t want him barfing on this pretty carpet.

I’ll take my chances, Steve. Tomorrow is Saturday. I usually don’t see anyone on the weekend, but if that’s the only time Tim can see me, I’ll make an exception.

Now I have to explain all this to Tim. I hate my mother. I hate my sister. I want to live my life like I want to and they can go fuck themselves, and they’re never again going to get birthday presents or Christmas presents.

Tim says why don’t you go to Dr. Troys? Ill meet you there? I promise I won’t be late.

Dr. Troy, Tim is very busy so he probably won’t be able to come in. I know how much you wanted to meet him, and who wouldn’t  be he’s such a doll, and you’d probably get jealous, even though I know you have a family.

I think this is important enough that he really needs to be here. Give me his number at work and I’ll give him a call,  but I tell him Tim doesn’t like getting personal calls at work, and that he will be FURIOUS with me for interfering in his busy day and…

I don’t have his office phone number with me and I forgot to bring my cell.

Dr. Troy is adamant. You said he works for “Help the Homeless” then I’ll look it up on line. There, now I’m going to call with the speaker phone on so you can hear our conversation.

I ask the receptionist to please get Tim Rusk on the phone. It’s very important.

I am almost shaking, like I was having a nervous breakdown, because Tim is going to talk to my psychiatrist, and I haven’t told him about it or the sessions we’ve had. I didn’t want to worry him, you see.

I’m calling for Tim Rusk. Yes, this is Dr. Arnold Troy. I have an important issue we need to discuss. (I’m turning on the speaker phone so you can hear this, too, Steve.

As soon as Tim picks up his phone and I hear his voice, I am so excited.

Dr. Troy asks how he’s doing and Tim asks what this is about, and he says I have Steve in my office and we had hoped you could join us today to talk about your relationship. Yes, Steve Jackson.

I’m not sure who you’re talking about, Dr. Troy. I don’t know anyone named Steve Jackson.  

Well, I have a client here who has  told me quite a bit about you and your friendship with him. He’s talked about you living with him and how fond he is of you.

Tim starts laughing and says, loud laughing, You’re kidding me, Troy. I’ve had many admirerers, but this guy Steve isn’t even in my radar. My God, who is this kid I’m supposed to have such a fond relationship? Describe him

Steve Jackson. You should know what he looks like, for God sakes.

I have no idea what you’re talking about or who this kid is. I am a happily married man with two children going to a nearby high school, so there is no way I can be in love with a gay guy. He’s making all this up.

But he’s been talking about you for months.

Well, those are months when he was living a pretty good fantasy.

He says he met you at a speech for your “Help the Homeless” foundation.

I  have given speeches almost every night for the last month, to get money to support this foundation.  I barely have time to kiss my wife goodnight before I fall into bed. Okay, describe him to me.

He has short dishwater blonde hair, about five or five and a half feet tall, slender, with a birthmark on his left cheek next to his ear.

My god, I remember this guy. Just before I was going to give a speech this wimp kid with a dufus smile came up to me and asked me if I wanted a drink. When I said I wanted to be 100 percent sober for the speech, he looked up at me, a little sad looking, if you really want to know, and asked if we could have dinner sometime. I immediately got in my car, and I have never seen him again.

I stand up, see the door, run for the door, open it  to get outside, slam the door and run down the stairs, crying. Why are you saying all these things, Tim? You’ve told me how much you love me. I sat down, halfway to the exit, and cry about Tim’s not knowing me, not having a relationship. You don’t know me after all the time we’ve spent together?

I walk the three miles home, weeping. I don’t want to see or talk with anyone. I can spend that time thinking how I should blast him for his lies. Why, Tim? Why?

Tim doesn’t come home that evening. I’m sure to catch up on paperwork after the long talk with Dr. Troy. He’s probably tired of having to answer all those questions. I’ll make dinner and tell Tim I’ll heat it up for him when he gets home. He is so cute, sometimes. I know he’s just joking and when he comes home we’ll laugh together about the weird call he got about me. Somebody wants us to hide our love from the public. That’s why you said what you did. You are such a tease!

An hour later, Tim arrives looking quite haggard. I tell him to come in, I’ll get him a glass of wine while I massage his feet.

I’m really sorry about his afternoon, but I really have to keep this quiet, he says.

Why did you tell him you have a wife and kids? And that you’ve never known me. And calling me weird. When we exchanged phone numbers I was excited to hear from you and then you decide to move in. I was ecstatic.

Well, I have a confession to make. I do have a wife and kids, and I spend many days with them when I’m supposed to be at work.

What? You lied to me you son of a bitch. I can’t believe after all that we’ve been through that you finally decide to tell me all this because I heard the phone call. He doesn’t have a family, I told myself. You do! Why didn’t you tell me? I don’t want to live a lie any more. You are not welcome here and I want you and your stuff out of here tonight, so you can spend more time with your family!

But Steve, I do love you.

Yeah, you say that, but you are a liar about so much of your life. I won’t listen to your drivel. I want you out, now!

He gets up from the chair and tries to give me a hug and I hit him in the chest as  hard as I can, and run into the bedroom where I cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 2 a.m. and remember what happened. I race to the door and look out, to see Tim has left, taken his things with him. He must have snuck into our room for all of his clothes and toiletries and didn’t wake me. He didn’t say goodbye, but maybe he kissed me on the forehead before he left. Even after I yelled at him and slugged him, he still thought to say goodbye. Well, I hope he has a good life. I never want to see him again.

Dr. Troy put the phone down. He turned to me. The Tim Rusk I just talked to said the only time you talked with him was right before the LGTI conference. He hadn’t seen you since, he said.

I think Tim is trying to cover up our romance so he can look good to his friends. I started crying. Tim said he loved me, and only me. He cooked for me and lay in bed with me, and told me about his work, and his friends, and all he money he’s getting.

Steve, is your Tim real? Then I’d like to meet him. I need to check to see if he is real or an imagination. Has anyone else met him, shook his hand, or seen him at events?

Give me a name of someone I can call who has seen Tim with you.

Lots of people, I say, like at the coffee shop I saw him with another guy and Tim made me so upset by not coming home.

When did that happen?

I guess a couple of weeks ago.

Which coffee shop?

Heaven’s Best Roasters.

I’ll look them up and see what they say.

But I was only in there a few minutes. They won’t remember me.

Dr. Troy checked his computer, typing in something, and asked to speak to the manager. I know this is a busy time, but a guy’s life is on the line here. I’m going to put this on speaker so you can hear it, okay?

I guess, but he’ll lie because Tim told him not to tell anyone about the two of us and I think he gave the guy money.

Hello, this is Ari, day manager.

Ari, a couple of weeks ago a young man walked into your coffee shop and yelled at someone, talked with him, and they left together. Does that ring a bell.

Yes, it does as a matter of fact. I won’t ever forget this guys expression, angry and saying “Whats the meaning of this?” An associate asked me to come up front because there might be trouble. I walked out and saw this guy talking really loudly and flailing his arms and making quite a scene. Pissed me off because some of my customers walked out after the kid left.

Was he with anyone?

That’s the weird part is that he was talking to the empty chair. Then he left and said something about how Tim lives with him.

So there was no one there?

No one, be kept talking to something next to him as he went out the door. The kid was pretty well dressed and left pretty quickly. I thought about calling 911 to get this kid out of my shop, but he was out the door a minute later.

Thank you, Ari. You’ve been a big help.

s

talking even louder  (he is going to be SO pissed. I’ll have to bring back a delicious dessert tonight – I know how much he loves chocolate, really, just like I do, and we’ll make up and that’s always the best part of it, even when we disagree about who does the laundry, or wash the dishes, or take out the trash, because he’s so fussy and I need to go home now and stop for the dessert at his favorite bakery.)

Dr. Troy hangs up after saying a few “Oh, I see. Yes, Mr. Rusk. I am so sorry to have bothered you. Yes, thank you and then Dr. Troy says to me we need to talk.

No Dr. Troy I don’t have time to talk. I have to get home with my special dessert because Tim will have made fried chicken – our favorite – so I really have to go now. I can’t stay, so I am going home now, no, I can’t stay, you’re hurting my arm, let go of me, if Tim sees a bruise he will be over here in a flash to punish you, yell at you, make you embarrassed, and why is everyone always telling me what to do? JUST LET ME LIVE MY LIFE.

Let me drive you home at least, and now I’m so tired I tell him thank you.

But this isn’t the way to my apartment.

We have to stop for something, but I don’t need anything, and then we’re in front of our house and Mom is on the porch.

WTF, Dr. Troy, I need to go home right now and be there in time for Tim to get his special dessert, and mom comes to the window with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen, and I know it’s fake because she’s never happy, especially with me.

I am not agitated. I do not need a shot. Let go of me, you asshole!

I have a life to live!