Party time

November 24, 2013

I’ll never be able to play the guitar, but I rented one for a month just to hear the sounds of the strings. I bought a book and checked one out from the lbrary on how to play a guitar. I think maybe I should stick with things I do well…or have a tad of mastery…in writing. An author said that he doesn’t write for any particular audience. He writes it as a gift to give someone. I could write something for Moreen as a gift for Christmas. I needs some ideas besides books, but then again, this will be a story to read, maybe.

I was going to make small loaves of chocolate chip banana bread and give them as TG gifts to people at work. I did one pan of 12 and they were almost inedible they were so dry. Then the next week Julie brought in to share exactly the same thing, so I thought everyone would think I was copying her. And what was I thinking, anyway! Forty loaves of bread? Hello!

Setting is a comfortable but small blue house with a white picket fence surrounding the front yard. A lovely garden is in the front yard, both in containers and in the ground. Many succulents are being planted to make the yard so it needs less water. The front door is a painted brown, traditional door to a grand house, so one will expect something as grand on the other side.

Stage right is a kitchen, facing out to the garden.

A few seconds before the curtain rises, the audience can hear what sounds like 50 people in party mode,  “cocktail chatter” almost deafening. As the curtain rises the din softens until it can still be heard but not so loud that the audience is unable to hear the actors.

The stage is made up of a modest but well equipped kitchen, with all the middle class appointments one would expect. There is a window in the back of the kitchen and it is dark outside.

There are two people on stage, washing dishes and putting them in cupboards.

Moreen:  (Angry but plaintive) How long is this party going to last?

Jim:  (Angry.) I know! I said in the invitation the party was over at 9 pm, and it’s already past 11. Jeez.

Moreen: I guess we’ll just stay in here until they start going home. We can stand at the door and tell them “Glad you came, but you stayed too long.”

Jim: You would not say that.

Moreen: I know. I know. But this is the last time we’re going to have a party.

J: You said that last time we were trapped in the kitchen a month ago.

M: I know I did. You don’t have to remind me.

J: And a few months before that and three years ago when this all started.

M: We haven’t been having parties that long. I can’t possibly have that many friends.

J: I remember hearing you say that the last time…

M: Alright! Stop reminding me. But I like these people. They all volunteer at the library.

J: I can’t believe you get anything done when you have to climb over people to get to boxes.

M: I just use my stick and I poke them and then say, Hey, you, pass me that box. No, the one to the right. YES. That’s the one. Ask Clyde to pass it over to me.

(She pokes Clyde)

M: Incoming!

J: (Laughing.) You do not do that. I know you too well. You’re known as the sweet grandma with the pretty garden who gives parties for her volunteers TOO OFTEN!

M: Somehow I have to make up for poking them.

J: (Laughing). Stop it, stop it. I have to pee really bad so if I laugh any more I’ll have to use that soup pot.

M: There’s soup in there! What are you thinking!

J: You can put the soup in another container.

M: No, YOU can put the soup in another container. And you are NOT going to pee in it. I’d have to throw it away. The thought of cooking in it after…

J: Clyde, pass me a container!

M: (She laughs as she starts to hand him a quart container. Just as he’s taking it. She grabs it back.) No! God, what am I thinking. That’s my favorite Tupperware. I’ve had it for 32 years. You cannot pee in my Tupperware!

J: Okay. I’ll pee in the sink.

M: (Turning away disgusted.) I just rinsed all those dishes.

J: I’m not going to pee ON the dishes. Just around them.

M: Why are we having this silly conversation! By the way, my grandmother gave me that Tupperware.

J: I don’t know if it makes any difference. They are all stained brown from all the tea you make and put in the refrigerator.

M: I like tea.

J: But you make a gallon a day! You’d have to sit on the toitie for 24 hours it you did that.

M: No, I pour it on the plants. They like it.

J: How do you know? Plants can’t talk…Uh oh. (To the audience) Hearing plants talking to you is the first sign of schizohammerlingenbot disease!

M: Who are you talking to? And how do you say the name of that illness? I’m afraid of getting sick. You know that. I hate going to the hospital.

J: It’s schizohammerlingenbot. (He takes a deep breath). It’s called schizohammerlingenbot.

M: How do you spell that?

J: I have no idea. You’ll have to get your dictionary.

M: How can I get my dictionary? It’s in the library. They only way would be to climb out that window, drop to the ground below. NOT ON MY TALKING PLANts, then walk on their knees so no one can see the person through the window.

J: You’re going to do that, just to get the spelling of schizohammerlingenbot?

M: No. You’re going to do that.

J: Me? But it was your idea.

M: Yes, but I was thinking of you the whole time.

J: And how will I know which ones can talk?

M: Which ones of what?

J: (Impatiently) The plants. The plants!

M: While you’re there, could you get me the book next to my nightstand? Oh, and my glasses. AND the half eaten croissant on the blanket. I need to brush my teeth really bad, so put some toothpaste on my toothbrush, and bring that, too.

J:  Moreen, that’s two rooms away.

M: I knew you could do it. You better get going.

J: Wait, wait. Isn’t it more important to find a way to get our guests to leave? I am so tired. And you must be exhausted after poking Clyde all day.

M: I don’t poke him all day. Just every half hour, or fifteen minutes, whenever I need a box.

J: I’m sorry, Moreen. We’re going to have to wait to get ANYTHING until the guests leave!

M: But I really need to brush my teeth.

J: Then YOU climb out your window and get all the things you want.

M: I can’t.

J: Why not?

M: Dr. Dougherty said it is very important to brush my teeth BEFORE I climb out of any windows.

J: (Turning away, exasperated.) (He listens carefully as the din gets quieter.) Oh, my God, they’re finally leaving!.

M: (Comes over to the door. Listens carefully.) But why is there so much snoring?

J: I don’t hear any snoring.

M: If you wore your hearing aids you could hear it.

J: You will have to go get them.

M: Me? Why me?

J: You can get them when you get all the other things you wanted.

(They both listen closely. Jim opens the door slowly and the party din comes on full force.)

M: They’re having a party in my house and they ARE ALL ASLEEP?

J: I think there’s a word for that.

M: Don’t tell me.

J: Yes. Schizohammerlingenbot.

(Curtain lowers to the roar of applause.)