Story: Paul and the Sea

January 29, 2014

We walked to the edge of the cliff, preparing to walk down the precarious path, our backpacks in place. Blacks Beach was a hike down and then arriving at a clothes optional inlet, where we were going to picnic, swim, and enjoy the sun.

As we stood together I felt this uncontrollable urge to push Paul over the edge. It was overwhelming me, I had to do it, who would know, and no one would see me. I put my arm around Paul’s waist just above the belt and…..

Jim, it’s just a dream. It’s just a dream, come on, forget about it. Change it so you’re far from the edge, embracing, happy to be together. Do something to get that dream out of your consciousness. It’s like a song you can’t stop, going through your head, like the worm that it is.

But I could feel the sun on my shoulders, and the trepidation I always feel when I walk down the dirt path and rocks to our destination. I feel the anticipation of swimming with Paul, and lying in the sand together, in the sun, and going into the water to wash the sand off one another’s back and legs.

Dreams can be like that, Jim. They seem so real that you wonder when you awakened whether it did happen. You said yourself that as soon as you awakened and heard Paul sleeping next to you, that it was a dream.

But I was covered in sweat. I had to take off the sheet and blanket and get up for a glass of water because I was so thirsty, really thirsty like I’ve never been that much in need of water.

Well, it is summer, Jim, and it’s understandable that you’d be sweaty if you had the bedspread over you.

But this sweat was different. It felt like the kind of sweat you get when you’ve been working outside in the sun, the salty lines flowing off your face, into your mouth, or dripping to the floor.

You’ve never had dreams so real, then?

Yes, I have, but they’ve mostly been about when I was younger and taunted because I wore glasses and couldn’t catch a ball, and I was a good student, but my classmates ruled the playground and wanted to b so much. Out there they felt like they were the superior ones, and I suppose they were.

And you woke feeling what?

I would wake up angry, and mad that I was treated like that, and how they laughed at me when I stumbled, or couldn’t pull myself up on the jungle gym. I woke up mad.

But that was a dream, just like your earlier telling. It’s another example of how we can feel something so real that when we wake up, it takes a minute to acknowledge that it was a dream.

I see what you mean, but I have dreams like that so often.

You’re working out some of the confusion and emotions that you suppressed when awake. It gives you an outlet to express yourself. You know, our time is up, so until next week? Same time good for you?

When I left the therapist’s office, got in my car, and drove back to our apartment in another part of town. I had the day off, but Paul had to work. I still had time to make a nice dinner and have it ready for him. He does that for me, which is really sweet. But his cooking is way better than mine, and he is able to create the most wonderful aromas from the cooking and spices. Me, I make a good salad. All I have to do is cut up vegetables, have some bread and cheese, and dinner’s ready.

While we were eating, we told one another about our day, his at the office and the colleague that is vying for his job, undermining his work in such weird ways. Paul left the photocopier going when he went back to his office, and the guy lifted up the cover on the copier, moved the paper, and let it continue to print. Paul thought he’d done this, was so mad at himself because it was for a meeting just minutes away, but he knew someone had interfered. One example of many to try to embarrass Paul in front of their boss. Seems like he comes home with some story like this every evening.

How was your therapy session this afternoon?

Interesting. We talked about how you can dream and when you awaken you get confused whether it’s a dream or it really happened.

Hey, since we’re both off tomorrow, do you want to head out to Blacks in the morning before it gets too hot? I know you don’t like that path, but I’ll walk ahead of you and warn you of any loose dirt or rocks to watch out for.

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I’m not bothered by anything.

No mosquitoes or ants or flies,